Sometimes hearing these two words “everything” and “nothing” are discouraging on their own.  On numerous occasions, I have clients express to me that they have tried “everything” and “nothing” has worked. They feel stuck in the mindset of their repetitive negative thoughts and struggle to get out of the “all-or-nothing thinking”.  All-or-nothing thinking makes the individual have rigid thinking patterns such as either being a success or a failure and no in-between.  It is also considered as “black and white” thinking.

These rigid thinking patterns are sometimes used as “defense mechanisms”.  Defensive mechanisms are protective factors that have been created unconsciously to make a person feel better or safe. We all use defense mechanisms to deal with stress, but they may be blocking healthy communication patterns and not allowing us to learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

In a perfect world, not using the words below in our vocabulary may help tremendously.

Everything,  Never,  Always, Nothing, Should, Could, Would, Can’t

I can’t do it.

It’s always my fault.

I will never improve.

Everything seems difficult.

I could have done it differently.

Nothing has worked for me.

It should have happened this way.

I would have done better if………

The statements above are perfect examples of how easy it is to fall into negative statements.  These words create doubt in our communication, which in return creates doubt in ourselves.

The truth is……

Why can’t you do it?

Why has nothing worked?

How can everything be difficult?

Can it really always be your fault?

Turning these negative statements into questions can help you recognize how ridiculous and false these statements can truly sound.  It is important to understand that “all or nothing thinking” can keep us stuck.  However, eliminating certain negative words from our vocabulary and restating negative comments into actual question can help you break away from negative thinking patterns.

Realistically, you may still use these words, but being mindful of how frequently they are used can help.  Awareness is the first step in changing our thoughts and one of the stages of change.  If we are not aware, we are unable to make an effort in becoming our better selves.

Stages of Change

Pre-contemplation– The stage when someone is clueless of their problem.  For example, family members or friends might be trying to address the issue with them, but they deflect the conversation and/or become defensive.  This stage lacks focus of awareness and avoids dealing with the problem at hand.

Contemplation– The stage when self-awareness presents itself to the individual and they become mindful of the problem.  However, they may not be ready to change their problem at this time.

Preparation– The stage the individual continues to recognize the problem and becomes ready to work on changing their negative behavior/thought/situation.  The individual may be preparing a plan and setting goals towards making the change.

Action– The stage when the person has the willpower to change their behavior/thought/situation and improve their quality of life.  For example, someone that continuously puts themselves down has decided to acknowledge the positive things about themselves on a daily basis and leave behind their negative self-doubt.

Maintenance– The stage of maintenance is an important one because the individual continues to manage their change.  A person may be in this stage for years if they are consistent and motivated with wanting to improve on themselves.

Relapse– The last stage is not mentioned often. Relapse does occur.  It is when the individual returns to old behaviors/thoughts and no longer maintains their new patterns of change.  This stage is common and individuals can relapse at any point in the stages of change.  However, this does not mean that one cannot return back to their new positive behaviors/thoughts.  One thing to remember from this stage is that we are all human and consistency with change is challenging.  This stage is a good reminder that we may fall back into negative patterns, but having the willpower to bounce back is possible.

Change takes time.  It is okay if you are unable to stay in the maintenance stage.  There is no perfect science for knowing how someone will do once they start working on their goals.  Every individual’s process is different and will vary.  So if you start thinking about “everything” and “nothing” thoughts again, remember that you are in control of the next step.

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” – George Bernard Shaw