I recently completed level 1 and level 2 training for Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) at Omega Institute. The training was lead by Dr. Laurel Parnell who has perfected the way to use EMDR with individuals that have experienced trauma. EMDR works with your left and right side of the brain by using bilateral stimulation (BLS) or tapping to regulate the nervous system. Memories or issues can be reprocessed to the point that the individual does not experience any level of disturbance anymore.

There are eight phases within EMDR, which provides tremendous structure in the way the technique is used during treatment.

8 Phases include:

• Client History: Gathering background history with the client to get a good sense of their childhood, symptoms, presenting problem and goals for treatment.

• Preparation: This includes describing EMDR, answering any questions client may have regarding process, developing metaphor to create distance and client safety by using resourcing to establish peaceful place, nurturing, protector, and wise figures.

• Assessment: Client describing “picture” that represents worst part of incident, establishing negative cognition, feelings/emotions, and body sensations associated to incident.

• Desensitization: At this time, bilateral stimulation (BLS) or tapping will be used to process “picture”, emotions, body sensation and negative cognition that are linked to present or past incident. BLS will be used until client fully processes incident and describes 0 disturbance of picture.

• Installation: Once BLS is completed. Client will install positive cognition of themselves and will use BLS to strengthen positive belief about self.

• Body Scan: Client will be asked to scan their body as they repeat positive cognition and clear any areas of disturbance.

• Closure: Clinician will describe to client that processing may continue after session and that client may experience new insights, thoughts, memories, and dreams. Client may use coping skills such as journaling or resources before their next session.

• Re-evaluation: In next session, client will be asked what they experienced after their EMDR session, clinician will log insights they report and see if client may need to process anything else that feels like a disturbance to client.

EMDR can be used ongoing for individuals depending on their severity of symptoms and/or past trauma. This level of reprocessing allows individuals to feel relief and no longer cycle in past thoughts that have made them feel stuck for years. It allows the individual to view the incident or problem in an objective manner. Many individuals are able to function in healthier ways, experience less disturbance within their relationships and navigate life without the victim mentality.

“Changing the memories that form the way we see ourselves also changes the way we view others. Therefore, our relationships, job performance, what we are willing to do or are able to resist, all move in a positive direction.”- Francine Shapiro

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Boundaries are talked about often in social media and therapy. It is a skill that many of us have not perfected and in a lot of ways are intimidated by. The idea of prioritizing our needs over others can be an unnerving concept. People pleasing tendencies or being parentified at an early age by emotionally immature parents can create this paradox. Our behaviors, thoughts and self-image develop at an early age. Our parents or caregivers are at the forefront in shaping how we view the world and ourselves. The lack of unconditional love, positive reinforcement, attention along with not feeling safe can create negative self-talk and doubt within us. This internal dialogue can carry into our adulthood and make it difficult to speak up for ourselves with others.

Reasons why you may have trouble setting boundaries.

• When you tried to express yourself as a child you were dismissed and/or your feelings were minimized.
• You did not feel safe in your home environment to share what was on your mind.
• Another sibling was prioritized over you due to them having a disability so you didn’t want to ask for help and be “another” problem.
• Parents had marital issues that caused conflict in the home, which made you not want to speak up.
• Emotional abuse occurred during disagreements with adults in house, which made you hide or make yourself small.
• Parents were unable to provide emotional support, which in return made you feel isolated with things you were struggling with.
• Lack of communication within the household did not allow you to learn how to manage your emotions.
• Trying your best in sports or school to get your parents attention and/or approval because they were critical most of the time.

These are just some examples of what can cause adults to become people pleasers due to childhood experiences. There are many circumstances in people’s lives that interfere with their relationships. Learning to break these patterns of thinking and becoming confident in prioritizing yourself can feel like an impossible task. Many people seek therapy and strategies to help disengage this type of people pleasing tendencies and one of the best ways is believing how people treat you. Learning to no longer make excuses for others and truly seeing them for who they are. Self-awareness is key for any form of change. See how they treat you. Believe how they treat you. And decide whether they deserve to be in your life.

How they treat you, is how they feel about you. Believe them!

Some strategies that can be helpful in setting boundaries include:

• Understanding the interactions with the people in your life that you find unhealthy.
• Identifying the triggers within the communication style between each other.
• What type of disrespect are you experiencing within the interactions.
• Is there a lack of listening, understanding and validating?
• Are they able to take accountability towards their treatment towards you?
• How are you managing your reactions to them?
• Express what you are not okay with anymore and see if they are able to respect boundary,
• Create space between each other if interactions do not improve.
• Even though you may set a boundary does not mean they will adjust or see your perspective.

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The hope of setting boundaries is that the person you address this issue with will see how they are impacting you and adjust how they communicate with you. Unfortunately, more times than not there is push back to this new form of communication, which creates more distance between the two people. Many people grieve these relationships because nothing changes and they realize they cannot have them in their life. One of the hardest things to realize is having to cut family members or even close friends out of your life to improve your mental health. It can be a tremendous loss and take time to heal from this loss.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” -Brene Brown

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Rejection is a feeling that most of us have experienced and we can agree it is an uncomfortable one. It is one of those feelings that we don’t share on a daily basis. For instance, if someone asks us how we are feeling today, we probably will not respond with “I feel rejected”. Most of us do not respond with a negative emotion because we are frequently told that these feelings are weak.

These feelings (rejection, sadness, loneliness, anger, frustration, exhaustion etc.) are not weak.

We must experience these emotions because they are just as important. Suppressing emotion only creates more damage and puts us in a worse state. They are messages telling us when we are not okay with a certain situation or if someone is treating us poorly.

Jia Jiang shares his experience with rejection and has a great TedTalk about overcoming this emotion. He explains how he initially viewed this feeling and how he was able to change his perspective by asking questions instead of giving up on self. His approach can be used in any situation that we feel unheard or told “no”.

Take some time to view this video for yourself if you experience feelings of shame or rejection. Jia taught himself how to desensitize from his underlying negative emotions. Desensitization is a way to free yourself from a fear and has a high success rate.

A clear understanding of negative emotions dismisses them. -Vernon Howard

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Maya Kollman is one of the only five trained in Master Trainers for Imago Relationship Therapy and has her private practice in New Jersey. She is an expert in her craft and helps couples be more self-aware of themselves, the impact they have on each other, and how to find “deeper connection and transformation”.

A brief explanation of the concept of Imago Relationship Therapy is re-summarized below.

• Intentional Dialogue explains “speaking with purpose”. That you are able to be aware of your impact and how you are behaving to make a connection with your partner. It is important to “slow things down” to help allow couples to “actually encounter one another”. One of the most important ways to do that is by making eye contact within your conversations, being present and slowly speaking to your partner about something that may be bothering you.

In fact, it’s really difficult to say awful things to a person when you’re looking into their eyes. – Maya Kollman

• Mirroring what your partner is sharing and being able to summarize what they are saying is crucial. This will allow you to be fully present within the conversation and allow you to step away from your own analysis of what you think they mean. Instead, you will fully listen without judgement and allow your partner to be heard.

• Validation and empathy are key components in true presence. In those moments, you are able to acknowledge where the other person is coming from and recognize that your partner may have a different way of looking at things. “It doesn’t mean agreement”. You do not have to agree. The whole purpose of intentional dialogue is understanding where you partner is coming from.

Maya Kollman really provides a great explanation in the video above about how Imago Relationship Therapy can be influential in changing your communication with your partner. Hopefully, this video can bring some clarification in finding a different approach in communicating with the ones you love.

We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know. – Carl Rogers

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Sometimes hearing these two words “everything” and “nothing” are discouraging on their own.  On numerous occasions, I have clients express to me that they have tried “everything” and “nothing” has worked. They feel stuck in the mindset of their repetitive negative thoughts and struggle to get out of the “all-or-nothing thinking”.  All-or-nothing thinking makes the individual have rigid thinking patterns such as either being a success or a failure and no in-between.  It is also considered as “black and white” thinking.

These rigid thinking patterns are sometimes used as “defense mechanisms”.  Defensive mechanisms are protective factors that have been created unconsciously to make a person feel better or safe. We all use defense mechanisms to deal with stress, but they may be blocking healthy communication patterns and not allowing us to learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

In a perfect world, not using the words below in our vocabulary may help tremendously.

Everything, Never, Always, Nothing, Should, Could, Would, Can’t

• I can’t do it.
• It’s always my fault.
• I will never improve.
• Everything seems difficult.
• I could have done it differently.
• Nothing has worked for me.
• It should have happened this way.
• I would have done better if………

The statements above are perfect examples of how easy it is to fall into negative statements.  These words create doubt in our communication, which in return creates doubt in ourselves.

The truth is……

Why can’t you do it?

Why has nothing worked?

How can everything be difficult?

Can it really always be your fault?

Turning these negative statements into questions can help you recognize how ridiculous and false these statements can truly sound.  It is important to understand that “all or nothing thinking” can keep us stuck.  However, eliminating certain negative words from our vocabulary and restating negative comments into actual question can help you break away from negative thinking patterns.

Realistically, you may still use these words, but being mindful of how frequently they are used can help.  Awareness is the first step in changing our thoughts and one of the stages of change.  If we are not aware, we are unable to make an effort in becoming our better selves.

Stages of Change

Pre-contemplation– The stage when someone is clueless of their problem.  For example, family members or friends might be trying to address the issue with them, but they deflect the conversation and/or become defensive.  This stage lacks focus of awareness and avoids dealing with the problem at hand.

Contemplation– The stage when self-awareness presents itself to the individual and they become mindful of the problem.  However, they may not be ready to change their problem at this time.

Preparation– The stage the individual continues to recognize the problem and becomes ready to work on changing their negative behavior/thought/situation.  The individual may be preparing a plan and setting goals towards making the change.

Action– The stage when the person has the willpower to change their behavior/thought/situation and improve their quality of life.  For example, someone that continuously puts themselves down has decided to acknowledge the positive things about themselves on a daily basis and leave behind their negative self-doubt.

Maintenance– The stage of maintenance is an important one because the individual continues to manage their change.  A person may be in this stage for years if they are consistent and motivated with wanting to improve on themselves.

Relapse– The last stage is not mentioned often. Relapse does occur.  It is when the individual returns to old behaviors/thoughts and no longer maintains their new patterns of change.  This stage is common and individuals can relapse at any point in the stages of change.  However, this does not mean that one cannot return back to their new positive behaviors/thoughts.  One thing to remember from this stage is that we are all human and consistency with change is challenging.  This stage is a good reminder that we may fall back into negative patterns, but having the willpower to bounce back is possible.

Change takes time.  It is okay if you are unable to stay in the maintenance stage.  There is no perfect science for knowing how someone will do once they start working on their goals.  Every individual’s process is different and will vary.  So if you start thinking about “everything” and “nothing” thoughts again, remember that you are in control of the next step.

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” – George Bernard Shaw

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Do you sometimes just need a boost in your day?  These 15 Quotes below will put a smile on your face and help you get through your day.

“Don’t limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as your mind lets you. What you believe, remember, you can achieve.”

—Mary Kay Ash

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

—Albert Einstein

“Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”

—Harriet Tubman

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

—Maya Angelou

“The essential lesson I’ve learned in life is to just be yourself. Treasure the magnificent being that you are and recognize first and foremost you’re not here as a human being only. You’re a spiritual being having a human experience.”

—Wayne Dyer

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.  The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

—Winston Churchill

“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.”

—Dennis P. Kimbro

“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It sorely relies on what you think.”

—Buddha

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that is going to require the most from you.”

—Caroline Myss

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.”

—Steve Jobs

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

—Thich Nhat Hanh

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.”

—Steve Maraboli

“When we are not longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.”

—Viktor E. Frankl

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

—Audrey Hepburn

These are some of my favorite quotes that I have found helpful.  I hope that they give you that extra OOMPH in your week.

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Caroline Myss said it best, “the power of the choices you make have infinite consequences”. She is a five-time New York Times bestselling author in the fields of human consciousness, spirituality and mysticism, health, energy medicine, and the science of medical intuition.  Caroline Myss has written over 25 books on the meaning of life and why we are here.  Some of her most popular books include The Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential, Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing, and Invisible Acts of Power: Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life.  

“The oldest wisdom in the world tells us we can consciously unite with the divine while in this body; for this man is really born.  If he misses his Destiny, Nature is not in a hurry; she will catch him up someday, and compel him to fulfill her secret purpose.”

– Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan (president of India, 1962-67)

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In today’s instant gratifying world, we find ourselves more inpatient than ever.

Faster internet connection.     Two-day delivery.     Smart phones.     Ask Siri.     Online Shopping.

Endless Netflix series/movies.      Ask Alexa.     Receive an Uber driver with a click of a button.

Using Yelp for restaurants galore.     Dating applications for any religion, sex, age.     

E-books.     E-commerce.     Downloading music.     Emails.     

Wireless connections.     YouTube Videos.     Bluetooth.

It is no wonder that being completely unplugged is difficult for so many people.  The time of relaxing is hard to envision with all of the resources available at our finger tips.

Can you remember the last time you didn’t look at your phone the entire day?

If so, that is pretty impressive.  As Dr. Larry Rosen says, our cell phone use has become an obsession.  This obsession is apparent in the way we have to check our phones every 5 minutes to make sure we did not miss anything.  Same goes for computers.  Most households in the US, if not all, probably have a computer and/or tablet with internet connection.  Staying connected is imperative to feel up-to-date with family, friends, and the world around us.

Part of the issue of unplugging is the feeling of boredom.  We are constantly keeping busy, which is why we feel instant boredom when our phones are not available or the power goes out.  Researchers found that boredom is important in children’s development because it allows for the child’s imagination to grow.  I’m Bored…Why Boredom is Important to Your Child’s Development by Rich Presta is a quick read and informative about why unplugging is crucial.

So how can we unplug and learn to center ourselves? 

Simply by turning off our devices.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Nowadays, making a conscious decision in unplugging throughout the day needs to be implemented in our daily routine.  We have become too comfortable with relying on our phones and have to make the decision of putting them away.  I will tell you that I have implemented this into my own life.  I was sick of coming home, making dinner, and either sitting in front of a TV and/or using computer/phone/tablet.  I have come to think of it as “a tablet away keeps clarity in my day”.  Cheesy?  Maybe so, but it works!

Once you have made the conscious decision of unplugging, it is time to learn how to enjoy the simple things.  Think back to when you felt happy without any electronic device.  Been awhile?  Close your eyes and immerse yourself in that time.  Does anything come to mind?  Maybe….

The time you went for a walk on a beautiful day.

Laying on the beach with the warmth of the sun on your face and the sound of the ocean in the background.

Sitting in front of a fire with great company and playing a game.  

Or simply, taking the time to read a book.

Once you have thought of a time without devices use that as your starting point.  Scheduling would be the next step.  Make the time for boredom by scheduling either daily and/or weekly things to do without your device.  Some suggestions include adult coloring books, board games, taking a hot bath, arts & crafts, painting/drawing, cooking, baking, sitting outside, running, riding a bike, roller blading, taking a walk, volunteering, exercising, stretching, yoga, meditation, playing cards, journaling etc.

Whatever you choose to incorporate into your everyday life to help you unplug will bring you one step closer to finding peace of mind and relaxation.

“Possessions, outward success, publicity, luxury – to me these have always been contemptible. I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best for both the body and the mind.”

-Albert Einstein

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From my experience as a licensed professional counselor, one of the things that I have been able to identify as problematic for most of my clients is low self-esteem. More times than not, low self-esteem seems to be prevalent in people’s everyday lives and keeping them stuck. Low self-esteem can create negative patterns that block many areas in our lives. It is important to understand that improving on your self-esteem is possible.

Why is self-esteem important? One main reason is because self-esteem is the core of our belief system of who we think we are. If we believe that we are not worthy of being happy or we are not good enough than this negative belief system starts to create part of our identity. When we create this negative belief system it makes it difficult to progress forward in our lives.  Does this belief system sound familiar?  Check out my post on The Law of Attraction and How It Can Change Your Life!

Awareness and willingness are key components in any type of change. If you are aware that you beat yourself up constantly and are willing to work on changing this thought process than you are one step closer. I have worked with many people that understand that they are difficult on themselves, but struggle with fully committing on changing their negative patterns of thinking.

A lot of times people forget that their negative self-image of themselves has been ingrained in their thinking for a long time.
One thing that continuously happens is, “I stop myself but the negative thoughts keep coming back.”  A lot of times people forget that their negative self-image of themselves has been ingrained in their thinking for a long time.  Changing ones thinking will take time and patience.  Retraining your brain to think differently from the way it has been thinking is not an easy task.  Most of the time it takes consistent long term practice that will change a person’s complete outlook of themselves.  It will feel discouraging at times, but with full commitment the goal is achievable.

Here are some things to consider when decreasing your negative self-image:

Recognize the frequency of how often you put yourself down

Acknowledge that you understand that these negative patterns of self are unhealthy.

Think about why you feel this way about yourself. (Any past or present situations, experiences, people, places, and/or things that may have shaped you to think this way?!?)

Write down the negative thoughts that arise throughout the day and/or week.

Rewrite the negative thoughts into positive statements on note cards.  For example, “I will never be good enough.”—–> “I will try my best and understand that it is okay to make mistakes.”

Create a routine and read the positive statements to yourself daily.

Do not feel discouraged if you feel that things are not changing.  It takes time.

Remember that you have control over your thinking and no one else does.

I truly believe that a strong belief in self can be an important, if not necessary, asset for feeling in control of one’s life.  It is important to be yourself and not have to pretend or act a certain way to please others. Remember to fully embrace who you are and do not be afraid to do so.

Check out this great video by Alan Watts on How to Make Yourself a Better Person.  Enjoy!

“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself… Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all.  You don’t know who you are.  If you had known, then there would have been no problem- then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you- it is irrelevant! Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”

-Osho

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Alan Watts was a British philosopher, writer, and speaker.  The video above is a motivational expression of how to become a better person.  Watts has also written over 25 books such as The Way of Zen (1957) and he believed that Buddhism may be a form of psychotherapy instead of just a religion.  I hope this video will help you become motivated in bringing the focus back on yourself.  Enjoy!

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